I wish ......

....that this time my exercise routine would stick....

I started Monday with my friends.....
I got my trainers out  - they are fun and they are bright......
and should not be in the cupboard

 and I love the way you don't even feel them while walking the woods next to our neighborhood ...

...but oh my.....
is it easy to loose focus and slip back into old routines of too much time in front of the computer and the reality of too little exercise???

But hey, bloggers are not guilty of this - are they???.......
Would love to hear of anyone who has ever had THIS particular problem??!!

My idea is this time to not fall back after a few days ...but to THIS time really see it through untill I reap the rewards... I NEED to - not only for my own health ....but I owe it to my kids - to be a happy, healthy mom.


I WISH......

.....for more time with my oldest daughter...

I don't want her to become a statistic - the neglected MIDDLE CHILD

Having her room one floor above the rest of the bedrooms means that there are often times days gone by without anyone going into her room...

I lied awake the night before, thinking how I miss being with her and that one day I will realize that I did not spend enough time with her - and how that would be too late....

She deserves more and she is gonna get more !!

She is DARLING, she is FUN, she is BEAUTIFUL and she is most of all MINE !!!

Taking action the next evening, I decided to go up in her room and kiss her goodnight -
just like I used to go every night when she was younger -
before she became so independent and self-organised.

I was shocked when I realised that I had not been into her room for a while now....
She always comes to us - we hardly go to her

...sad to see that she had already fallen asleep, I was still glad that I went......

I saw a notebook lying on her desk - and how ironic when I opened it and on the first page it said (written some months ago already) :

" I wish I had more time with my mom..."

That made me SAD....
- sad for the time lost already
- sad for a thought expressed by my daugther which means there is an empty space somewhere...
despite all the time we DO spend together
- an empty space created by the busy-ness of our lives.....

but also GLAD...
- glad that I felt the same way before I read her little notebook....
and glad that I realised it today and not one day when it is too late to go back and make up for it...

Life is demanding and an oldest and a youngest have high demands...

A MIDDLE CHILD desires the same...but accepts more
ask the same...but doesn't always get the same

I had this IDEA of one day being my daughter's best friend......
REALITY is that there is never enough time to do all the things we want to do..
REALITY is that I often make excuses of things that need to take priority over her requests of time with me...
REALITY is that we all make mistakes and that it is overwhelming to juggle all the balls in the air at the same time
REALITY is that we do have a LOT of family time and it is still not enough....
and even the IDEA me and her had a few years ago to start a "Girlie Club"has given way to the REALITY that we never find the time to do all the things we had put on the list....
REALITY is that I do not want it to be this way, but it is...

THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA.....

She is so understanding
But she is craving time with me...
...and I do too...

it is FINDING the TIME.....

 but I am the one who has the power in hand to prioritize, to make time and to build the relationship as much as I can while I can!

I wish for more time in a day...
I am sure we all do...

but MY IDEA is to try and focus on more time with her..
she absolutely THRIVES when I do that

There could be nothing more rewarding than the feeling that you have had the best of times with your loved ones while you had them around
And nothing more regrettable than the feeling that you did not have enough time with your loved ones while you had them around

I am wondering if there are mothers out there who have had those experiences......

I wish to stick to my exercise routine...but MUCH MUCH more than that...
I wish for more time with my daughter

I WISH for this to happen

I HOPE it will...

I am going to try to make this wish come true !

My new friends

Got these guys the other day on my recent trip to Africa!!

How fun !!

Gypsum giraffes.

I loved them since I first saw them and they already love me back ... I can tell !!

.....watching my every step in the kitchen from the window sill...from  the moment I first enter in the morning for my coffee -  looking very messy and sleepy...thru late night check-ins when I go switch off the lights ! 

They see me at the best of times and at the worst of times..

But they are always looking cheerful...looking curious....and they keep me company when no one else will...

THAT"S what giraffes are for !!!

What a great idea was that to last minute put them into my luggage !!!

Time to get up .....

Our little puppy is quickly growing up....

listening...learning....and becoming a character of his own!!

Very alarming then when I saw him yesterday lying down while drinking from his water bowl??? Have to admit the kids thought it was hillarious !!
Did this happen while nobody was paying attention?? Too busy with our things and not giving him any exercise?

Ok..I admit - lately I have also felt like doing this...not even getting up to do the basic neccessities !!

But - this is not going to get ANY of us ANYWHERE !!!
And this was not our idea when we decided to get a puppy...to create a lazy dog...taking life lying down!!

Time to get up...

Time to get out....

Time to face life again...

get back on our (my) feet....

and take on the world and the things I HAVE to and WANT to do...with both (or is that FOUR ) legs on the ground !!!!!

Time to turn all my IDEAS into great REALITIES !!

Life is too short NOT to....!

Through the eyes of an Alzheimer patient...

Eyes are the windows to the Soul!

This week I had to travel a very very far distance to go help and be there for my mother leaving home to a place of care for Alzheimer patients...the only one in town. This certainly has been one of the worst realities of our family's path that we had no choice but to just deal with....

Slowly over the past seven years we have watched my mother deteriorate..but nothing as dramatic as the past 3 months...

When I saw her last in December 2009, she still had some sparkle in her eye...recognising all of us - kids and grandkids...
This week, I was saddened to notice her eyes looking straight at me..as if a blind person...not recognising any of us.....her eyes were glazy and gloom and it was as if there was no soul behind them.

Alzheimers robbed her of her personality and has left her with some outbursts of anger and trauma. This, while the certificate of her being named the town's friendliest person and friendship person of note - awarded by the City Council, proudly hangs on the wall of her bleak room...

This is what we see looking into her eyes from the outside. Who will ever know what she sees looking from within to the outside world? We have no idea what she might still know and what not..as she is unable to structure and organise her thoughts and words.

One of the patients asked me how it is possible that he was locked up in jail (referring to the steel gate that keeps them in).....if he had done nothing.....?! He is awaiting trial (he says)...but nobody can tell him what his crime was..

And that is the sad part - it has nothing to do with their own doing....no crime on their part....it is something that just came upon each of the 22 patients in this fascility...all of them at a different stage of the disease.

To drop her off just days after their 50th wedding anniversary, has been and will be a traumatic event for a very long time for my father who is still going to his office every day...still a working citizen.

You can never mistake what is going on in someone's soul when you look into their eyes....
Looking into my mothers eyes made me realize that there is no return...there is no other option but making peace with this reality ... there is very little left there....

And when I left to come back home.... I could not say goodbye... I simply had to leave.... telling her that I would be back the next day.....feeling guilty but also glad that she would not know that the next day would only be in eight months' time when I will  return back "home"....

Kids are suppose to leave home...not parents...

But through the eyes of an Alzheimer patient...the world becomes a blur and nothing make sense anymore....
...sometimes because it does not make sense....
             ....and sometimes because THEY can not make sense out of the things that still have meaning..

Robbing them is a crime...not on anyone's account..but the family is left with the emptiness of it all...

But the grateful part comes into the fact that she had a good, full life and lived life to the full each and every day she had the presence of mind...and for this lesson, I am thankful to my mother ..if only I can be as good as she was fulfilling this philosophy...!

Replacing the old with the new...

Today our wooden decks are being replaced...

Over the past 10 years the elements have taken its toll on it - bruised and beaten by the weather mainly..... but it has now finally reached the point where the severe conditions won the battle and the temporary fixes are not good enough anymore .... the old wood is simply being ripped off and replaced !

The planks look old, dull, weary, have splints, are out of place where it is coming loose.... it poses risks for falling and kids can not play barefeet on it anymore. 

It lost its lustre !!

And it will be replaced with new wood - planks off the shelve, which will be polished and start shining in the sun with its new look to face the next decade of getting bashed....

I wish it was that simple with all things in life...

REPLACING THE OLD WITH NEW !!!!!

Recently I looked into the mirror and got a shock with what happened to my face and eyes - mainly over the past 6 months!!!!

My eyes - one of my best features...lost its glamour...

I frantically tried to come up with reasons ...and rescue plans.... in disbelief that this could have happened over a short period of time ..??!!  

Could this really be the effect of the stress I have experienced in the last 6 months ? 

I have never considered the effect of stress on my body and particularly my face....??!!!

I scrambled to find answers...and then my husband suggested - "have you considered normal ageing??!"

After showing him the DETAILLED close-up look from now vs then...he admitted ..something serious happened...!!!

No wonder he stood in silence when I raided the duty free shop for miracle cures for my eyes... and with the woman trying to explain what each lotion and potion does - I could not understand what she was explaining since she barely knew English...so, I took them ALL...JUST to be sure - WHATEVER they had in stock...and whatever I could put on my face before I even got on the next plane !!!!

Here is the "little" collection I grabbed in 10 minutes and are now applying frantically whenever I get the chance...?! (did I mention they ALL do the SAME thing??!!)

And still - they just sold me a "PROMISE"...no guarantees that I will ever restore or get back what I lost over the past decade or even the past few months...

from life and the realities that came along in this stress-full period....

But NOT ALL THINGS are as EASILY replaced as the wooden decks all around the house...

Not all things can be made new in a morning..

Not all things have the guarantee to be restored to brand new beauty...

Sometimes it is simply not possible to replace the old with new - 

We have to live with the old and make the best of it for the time to come...

learning from the past...

and taking better care for the future !!

Now there are always alternatives.... finding replacements for the OLD...like the prop I found lying in the kids closet this morning..

but somehow I think my husband is not going to be too pleased going out with my "replacement"....

..and deep inside I know my kids would also prefer the OLD rather than the NEW....

so...making peace with the old might be all that is left to do.....

It was not my idea to show the signs of stress and ageing at this stage of my life already..

........but it is my reality !

April Fools....!

Today is the 1st of April...why did I not even hear one April fool's joke today??

Did that go out of fashion while I was busy doing other things???

Anyway - it has now been one month since I started this blog...

Yes..."I started a blog.."

and every time I say that to someone....I hear the Bee Gees brothers inside my head

"I started a joke.....

....which started the whole world crying,
But I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.


I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me."

I hope my blog is making you laugh .... or cry.....or both.......
whichever it does.. and irrespective of whichever one my intention was...or was not...

Maybe I do not see that the joke is on me...

But just to re-assure you -
my blog is not an April fool's joke....
it will still be here tomorrow

and it will still then be for REAL...it is now my REALITY...
and it has given me a place to come laugh...or cry....
and today it actually made somebody laugh...and cry....
Thanks for telling me that!

and that made it a great IDEA....even if it wasn't my idea.....


"I started a joke.... I mean....a BLOG....!"

...and the joke's on me....

Happy reading !